The Best Thing I Never Had

My ex-husband recently made it clear that he had made a mistake and that he misses me and still loves me. Only thing that popped into my mind was "Sucks to be you right now". Often times songs like "Best I Never Had" by Beyonce and "Blame it on Me" by Chrisette Michele are dismissed as underrated or even bitter but in all honesty those songs reflect real feelings. They are valid places in a person's (not just a woman's) life. Some relationships just need to be over and that is A-ok. When I read my ex-husband's words, I literally embodied Beyonce and was thinking "thank God you blew it, thank God I dodged a bullet"....it was the best thing for my life. It was almost a mini celebration for me. Not because he was filled with regret, but because I was at a place where I could see the situation for what it was and could not be sucked back in by those 4 words that can break a woman down "I Still Love You". I've stated in previous entries, love is not enough to be with someone. It takes more. In that moment I will admit I did feel vindicated because my ex realized something I already knew...I'm a good woman and he was lucky if not blessed with a miracle to have had me. But it's more than that...it's closure with a rhythm and a beat.

10 out of 10 men have penises, what else you got?

I met this guy about 2 weeks ago at a cookout in the Bronx who was attractive. We exchanged numbers and have been in contact over a series of shallow text messages and short lived conversations. I determined he is a bit younger than me and I mean age wise and experience wise. We haven't seen each other since we met that day. Now for reasons Ill explain in a sex blog I am celibate and do not give off the expectation of sex b/c I am in no way going to deliver. The closest thing to sexual I have asked this man is "are you affectionate?" I don't talk to him late night, although I don't believe a late night convo should automatically indicate sexual desire. I don't discuss my sex life or preferences. Truth be told, I'm crazy sexually but I don't know him so why share that with him? This man randomly sent me a pic of his penis next to a cablevision remote. (Stop thinking about how big that remote is and focus) Now I can be aroused by a sexy pic, but one of your genitals and I don't even know if I want to see you again?! The society we are in seems to reward overt sexuality and validate promiscuity. Why is your value and validation wrapped up in sex? And why are people not checking this? If I wanted to see your penis I would ask. My friend always tells me people tell you how to treat them, so an unsolicited pic of your member tells me to treat you like a dick. And if I'm not looking for a booty call, not telling you you're behavior is not ok, tells you to treat me like jump off. Women we need to do a better job of trying to set our standards and sticking with it. Don't be afraid to tell men how to treat you. And you don'+t have to flip out, just be clear without anger or regret. I came up with my standards as a whole, complete, person void of influence and based on what I know I need right now. That doesn't waiver because you have a nice job or a big...."remote".

Basketball Debauchery

So half of the people I know are addicted to this show "Basketball Wives" and the other ones about women with crazy relationships with famous people. I've seen the show but I don't watch it on a consistent basis. The show does what most shows do, create drama and ridiculous arguments centered around trivial issues that no real person would care about. But as I came to that evaluation I wondered if other women feel like that or do a lot of us have lives that mirror these shows; after all they are still on the air. Why do we as women like so much to talk about each other and gossip? Why do we like to see other people do it? One girl was mad b/c her friend said something about her ridiculously stupid relationship with a man who changed his name to "ocho cinco". Are this characters or are they real people that exist in society? I guess for every "For Colored Girls" women that have real things going on and developing unfortunate strength, there's "Basketball Wives" petty women with nothing going on but arguments and failed marriages/relationships. I wonder when it became more important to make money and embarrass ourselves than to set an example for generations to come and achieve excellence. I see why the bible condemns seeking riches and money...it can really make you ugly. And nothing is uglier than those lovable wives.

Who dat is?!

Ok, maybe my mindset is a bit twisted but I cannot understand why people that have children with another person and have separated from that person see the need to meet the new person that they are dating. The argument is usually "I need to see what kind of person is around my child". First of all, if the person is bad, or mean or neglectful....do you think they are going to tell you or show you in your little one hour meeting? Second, even if the person is someone you later find out you don't like, that's your opinion and short of them abusing your child, there is nothing that can be done about it. The problem that arises is something we don't think about when we have kids with people we are not ready to spend our lives with, people look at things differently. Its immature for you to assume that your ex is going to feel the exact same as you do as a parent. Its even more immature to believe that the person that your ex is dating is going to always meet your standards as a parent...guess what, they don't have to. They just have to meet the other parents standards. We've gotten this idea that is a matter of respect. I think that's crap...its a matter of being nosy. If you and your ex have the type of relationship where you co-parent in sync then chances are you will meet the new person and an event in the child's life anyway. But if you dont have that type of relationship, then what makes you think you should you have the right to inspect the aspects of their lives...that's unreasonable. Are you going to have you ex line up all of their friends and family members that the child will be around? How about their neighbors that the kids will play with? All of those people have the ability to have the same amount of influence on the child, yet most people don't request to meet them. My conclusion is because you don't need to size them up In comparison to yourself. The finally thing is, I think we forget who is actually responsible for protecting the child...their other parent. If you have been sending your child to their other parent without major protest that means you trust them to take care of your child...who they bring around the child should be included in that judgment. Do you really believe they are going to put your child around someone that will do intentional, irreparable harm to your child? That's the courts mindset...not whether or not you like them, whether they pose harm to the child. If you have a problem with the other parent period, that's the issue, not the person they are dating. That is something the court would have to get involved with, but keep in mind if the judge rules in favor of your ex, you have no say on meeting the person they are dating. I think when your ex is marrying someone and your child will be co-parented by another person, that may be cause for a meeting. Just because you all have to be on equal pages in the development of that child, but girlfriends/boyfriends don't count. I personally wouldn't waste my time dealing with my sons father's girlfriend. I choose to evaluate the source...him. He has demonstrated that he is a questionable parent and the court agreed. I never wanted to meet her because I'm sure she is probably questionable too. We have to be careful to do whats in the best interest of the child and not whats in our best interest as a person. The less drama the better.

#NP "Ascension"

"Shouldn't I realize, you're the highest of the high. If you don't know then I'll say it, so don't ever wonder" I was listening to Maxwell "Ascension" and I was really paying attention to his appreciation for the woman he was referring to in the song and it hit me that  somewhere along the way, I stopped setting that standard for myself. I dunno if it was because I was so busy trying to superwoman and take on the world that my standards became "acceptable". As long as he doesn't call me out my name, try to take advantage of me, and is courteous everything is OK. But it hit me, I am settling. Even in friendship a woman should feel cherished. Granted there are different levels to which someone I'm not with can "cherish" me, but the people you're around should always make you feel like you want to be your best. Hanging out with one of my guy friends he always adores me (except when we are arguing even though he knows I'm always right). I think people should be worthy of your presence, that applies to both men and women, but woman have been settling. If you're your best you, why shouldn't you be treated as such...this isn't about the money he spends or places he takes you. I mean the way you feel when you are around a man. I made a pact with myself, if I'm around a guy and he doesn't make me feel adored then I shouldn't be around him. When you are around a man that treats you with a certain caliber of respect it does 2 things. 1. It keeps you standards high for the right man (don't confuse high standards with picky and unreasonable). They give you a good gauge for what you need in your life to feel appreciated as a woman and not waste your time, settling, wishing, hoping for a guy to be better than who he is. Sometimes people can make me feel guilty for feeling like what they do around me and how they make me feel around them is not good enough for me. Like I should set lower standards. The way I see it, if I'm ready to take the world by storm, why would I accept a man that's sub par in comparison for the rest of my lifestyle. 2. Being put on a pedestal as a woman gives you the appreciation, confidence, love, and respect for men. Relationships are about give and take. I know when I get a certain amount of respect and admiration as a woman, I want to give that and more back. I had gotten away from that because I was so busy trying to be the strongest, hardest, most successful woman that I didn't set the right give and take standards. I felt like I could give myself everything and satisfy myself  so there was no reason to expect so much or give so much. Reciprocating each others needs is the point of a relationship. And feeling special and adored makes me want to be encouraging and supportive...and get in the kitchen and get down!

Friendship

I am slowly but surely coming to realize that we are the sum of our experiences in life. And people that have experienced less or more than we have may not be able to relate. That includes friends. Even the ones you have had for years may not get you completely. This doesn't make them less of a friend or you one either it just changes the dynamic. It sucks tho to realize someone who always got you and understood you, no longer does so completely at times. Its nothing like having that person that you're so close to you guys are known as a team. Then to start playing different potions, the conversation is different.

Fellas correct me if I'm wrong

On the Tyra show I was watching as these teens were discussing abusive relationships and this girl, who used to get beat by her man, said he stopped hitting her but he walks away and cools down and comes back like nothing. she said "Well wait a minute, we were just in an argument. I want to finish it." Ladies let me you in on a brief secret men don't much care to argue. Most times they don't see the point. Women argue to win and to make a point. Ladies, you can be right or you can be happy. If you have an important point to make its probably best not to make it in the mist of fighting. All he hears is yelling and goes into defense mode. More often than not a fight is over something stupid or is running because emotions are involved. I have found that a man is more responsive when I just tell him what my problem is, for example, if I asked him to do something and he didn't do it, I would tell him I feel like you don't take me seriously and my feelings get hurt because I need to feel like a priority in your life. That worked a lot better then going off with the "you don't ever do anything I ask you to...I told you 6 times to take out the trash and...blah blah" More often than not, a woman is mad for a reason other than what she's screaming about, and more often than not a man would be more responsive if you expressed that instead of yelling. And if its not that important, don't waste your breath...tell your girls cuz you know they will get it. You get it off your chest and boom, problem solved. CHECK.