Love Actually

The movies would have us to believe that one day love walks up to you with a gun and forces you into the arms of the person you're supposed to be with forever (the cupid with a bow and arrow reference needed an edge). Then after a series of well placed soundtracks and moment moving tears you end up with that special someone and everything works out. That's why movies are only 2 hours long. In reality you kind of stumble into caring for a person all hopped up on emotions and choose to nurture a love that may or may not be healthy, toxic, fruitful, useless...
There is not always a happy ending involved. Sometimes the love is one-sided or inconvenient. You can be in love with someone that cannot give you what you need. You can be in love with someone who is in love with someone else. Bottom line is we don't always have that movie moment love. It's important to get the life lesson from that experience though. If you love someone that cannot give you what you need, you have to find contentment in not being with them, don't settle. Hurt, cry, wish, but never settle. So sad is the woman sitting idly by while she let's her love for the wrong man drive her into a ditch. And don't even get me started on that whole knitting and cats existence. Love is like a plant, the more you nurture it, the more it will grow. So if you find yourself watering the seeds of love for a man that cannot cherish the very essence of your existence...it is time to get the weed be gone. Occupy your time, read, exercise, learn a language, start a trend, write, do whatever you have to do to not sit around pining away for someone that is not for you. Love can feel so involuntary that you wonder how you exist without this person. But life...living is knowing that just like that horrible hairdo you had in the 8th grade, you can push past this. No need to be his doormat or settle for his late night "hey what are you doing?" text. Love is not an excuse to shortchange yourself, because if you do then all you find is you're worth less.

Whole, Complete, Individuals

I am becoming increasingly aware of the ability of women to be taken outside of themselves because of something someone else has done to them. Just tonight I have been bombarded with women who are "losing it" behind some mess a less than worthy man has pulled (emphasis on less than worthy because there are some men that are worthy). My pastor's wife told me something that I think all my sisters should know. She told me "you cannot have a successful marriage until you are a whole, complete individual." Now I took that and realized it applies to all relationships. If you don't know who you are, if you are missing something...then that means you are open to someone else telling you what it is you are worth, should have, be, get, or deserve. Missing small things is not so bad; we all could improve. But if you don't have self worth, if you don't have sophisticated standards for yourself, if you do not know your own currency you are in a DANGEROUS situation. When you are looking to fill a void, you will accept anyone and anything filling it in. Problem is, it should be filled by you. When you know your worth, you will glide ever so spectacularly away from anyone not willing to realize it. When you have a fulfilled heart, mind, and spirit you will say, "thanks, but no thanks" to anyone trying to fix, change, belittle, or sell you short. You find it increasingly harder to get so angry and frustrated by people who are not worth your perspiration in the first place, and shame on you for taking the time to entertain such foolishness. Ladies, we have to stop getting angry at the mess that is some people we dealt with when we chose to let them enter our world in the first place. Stop seeking fulfillment in people, places, and things. If you cannot be content in your skin, alone, at home...no one or nothing to validate you...guess what self-refection time. If you have drama constantly in your life, repeated bad experiences with men, fights with friends...there's one common factor, you. Whole, complete individuals don't let others dictate their lives. Everyone falls short and everyone hurts but when you know who you are you know that moment in time cannot define you.

Just a little bit of grey goes a long way

I always relate my life to music and I was listening to a song which reminded me of my ex. Trey Songz "Holla if ya need me" is the perfect way to describe our relationship. He talks about how they had their ups and downs but he will always be there for her if she needs. No real mention of being back together. I always thought there would be this clear cut, black and white area to define the relationship I have with a man that is not just a platonic friend. If we have feelings for each other and we care about each other, then we should be together and if we can't be together then there should be no feelings. Simple. Unfortunately relationships just aren't that black and white. I think the sooner we as women realize that not every man we develop feelings for will be the man we should be with and just because you can't be with someone doesn't mean you won't have feelings for them; the sooner we will be able to call a spade a spade. Men have no problem doing this. Men know the homegirl from the wife from the friend with benefits from the ill-termed "jumpoff/booty call". We as women love to try to change and fix and "upgrade" a man and wait for him to grow. The key is to see the gray and interact accordingly. My ex and I will always have a flame for each other, if we need something, the other would be there without a doubt. We can hang out and spend time together. We CANNOT have sex together. If either of us is in a relationship, the other person respects boundaries and we will not get back together. He's not the one. That doesn't make him bad or me bad. Just means we need to keep searching....in the meantime, "I'll holla".

The Best Thing I Never Had

My ex-husband recently made it clear that he had made a mistake and that he misses me and still loves me. Only thing that popped into my mind was "Sucks to be you right now". Often times songs like "Best I Never Had" by Beyonce and "Blame it on Me" by Chrisette Michele are dismissed as underrated or even bitter but in all honesty those songs reflect real feelings. They are valid places in a person's (not just a woman's) life. Some relationships just need to be over and that is A-ok. When I read my ex-husband's words, I literally embodied Beyonce and was thinking "thank God you blew it, thank God I dodged a bullet"....it was the best thing for my life. It was almost a mini celebration for me. Not because he was filled with regret, but because I was at a place where I could see the situation for what it was and could not be sucked back in by those 4 words that can break a woman down "I Still Love You". I've stated in previous entries, love is not enough to be with someone. It takes more. In that moment I will admit I did feel vindicated because my ex realized something I already knew...I'm a good woman and he was lucky if not blessed with a miracle to have had me. But it's more than that...it's closure with a rhythm and a beat.

10 out of 10 men have penises, what else you got?

I met this guy about 2 weeks ago at a cookout in the Bronx who was attractive. We exchanged numbers and have been in contact over a series of shallow text messages and short lived conversations. I determined he is a bit younger than me and I mean age wise and experience wise. We haven't seen each other since we met that day. Now for reasons Ill explain in a sex blog I am celibate and do not give off the expectation of sex b/c I am in no way going to deliver. The closest thing to sexual I have asked this man is "are you affectionate?" I don't talk to him late night, although I don't believe a late night convo should automatically indicate sexual desire. I don't discuss my sex life or preferences. Truth be told, I'm crazy sexually but I don't know him so why share that with him? This man randomly sent me a pic of his penis next to a cablevision remote. (Stop thinking about how big that remote is and focus) Now I can be aroused by a sexy pic, but one of your genitals and I don't even know if I want to see you again?! The society we are in seems to reward overt sexuality and validate promiscuity. Why is your value and validation wrapped up in sex? And why are people not checking this? If I wanted to see your penis I would ask. My friend always tells me people tell you how to treat them, so an unsolicited pic of your member tells me to treat you like a dick. And if I'm not looking for a booty call, not telling you you're behavior is not ok, tells you to treat me like jump off. Women we need to do a better job of trying to set our standards and sticking with it. Don't be afraid to tell men how to treat you. And you don'+t have to flip out, just be clear without anger or regret. I came up with my standards as a whole, complete, person void of influence and based on what I know I need right now. That doesn't waiver because you have a nice job or a big...."remote".

Basketball Debauchery

So half of the people I know are addicted to this show "Basketball Wives" and the other ones about women with crazy relationships with famous people. I've seen the show but I don't watch it on a consistent basis. The show does what most shows do, create drama and ridiculous arguments centered around trivial issues that no real person would care about. But as I came to that evaluation I wondered if other women feel like that or do a lot of us have lives that mirror these shows; after all they are still on the air. Why do we as women like so much to talk about each other and gossip? Why do we like to see other people do it? One girl was mad b/c her friend said something about her ridiculously stupid relationship with a man who changed his name to "ocho cinco". Are this characters or are they real people that exist in society? I guess for every "For Colored Girls" women that have real things going on and developing unfortunate strength, there's "Basketball Wives" petty women with nothing going on but arguments and failed marriages/relationships. I wonder when it became more important to make money and embarrass ourselves than to set an example for generations to come and achieve excellence. I see why the bible condemns seeking riches and money...it can really make you ugly. And nothing is uglier than those lovable wives.

Who dat is?!

Ok, maybe my mindset is a bit twisted but I cannot understand why people that have children with another person and have separated from that person see the need to meet the new person that they are dating. The argument is usually "I need to see what kind of person is around my child". First of all, if the person is bad, or mean or neglectful....do you think they are going to tell you or show you in your little one hour meeting? Second, even if the person is someone you later find out you don't like, that's your opinion and short of them abusing your child, there is nothing that can be done about it. The problem that arises is something we don't think about when we have kids with people we are not ready to spend our lives with, people look at things differently. Its immature for you to assume that your ex is going to feel the exact same as you do as a parent. Its even more immature to believe that the person that your ex is dating is going to always meet your standards as a parent...guess what, they don't have to. They just have to meet the other parents standards. We've gotten this idea that is a matter of respect. I think that's crap...its a matter of being nosy. If you and your ex have the type of relationship where you co-parent in sync then chances are you will meet the new person and an event in the child's life anyway. But if you dont have that type of relationship, then what makes you think you should you have the right to inspect the aspects of their lives...that's unreasonable. Are you going to have you ex line up all of their friends and family members that the child will be around? How about their neighbors that the kids will play with? All of those people have the ability to have the same amount of influence on the child, yet most people don't request to meet them. My conclusion is because you don't need to size them up In comparison to yourself. The finally thing is, I think we forget who is actually responsible for protecting the child...their other parent. If you have been sending your child to their other parent without major protest that means you trust them to take care of your child...who they bring around the child should be included in that judgment. Do you really believe they are going to put your child around someone that will do intentional, irreparable harm to your child? That's the courts mindset...not whether or not you like them, whether they pose harm to the child. If you have a problem with the other parent period, that's the issue, not the person they are dating. That is something the court would have to get involved with, but keep in mind if the judge rules in favor of your ex, you have no say on meeting the person they are dating. I think when your ex is marrying someone and your child will be co-parented by another person, that may be cause for a meeting. Just because you all have to be on equal pages in the development of that child, but girlfriends/boyfriends don't count. I personally wouldn't waste my time dealing with my sons father's girlfriend. I choose to evaluate the source...him. He has demonstrated that he is a questionable parent and the court agreed. I never wanted to meet her because I'm sure she is probably questionable too. We have to be careful to do whats in the best interest of the child and not whats in our best interest as a person. The less drama the better.